You make me smile

The following was written back in 2009, but I never published it to my blog. Not exactly a poem, but close enough. So much had changed prior to this being written and even more has changed since this was written. I consider it beautiful thoughts that many of have at some point in our lives. It's part of my past and will be kept there as a sweet memory.

I once thought I knew you, but I realize I didn’t. I’ve never known your favorite color, foods or shows  even your favorite pair of shoes. I can’t remember the color of your eyes and I’ve never owned a picture of you, so why do I seem so surprised?

I don’t know what moves you to tears or truly makes you smile. I don’t know if what I’ve felt all this time has ever been felt by you. My mind wrestles with itself, wondering how you felt. Do I tell you? Do I keep it to myself? Do I risk the heartache? Do I risk the rejection and the friendship that could be lost?

Am I playing games with myself? Am I infatuated with what cannot be? Do you feel it? Do you see it? Do you understand what I mean?

My heart has been broken, long before now. Even more so the day I read those words that came from your finger tips, onward to my house. I felt my heart sink. I felt like I’d lost. I hesitated. I called. I began to drop. Slowly my world felt as if it had come to an end. What I once thought I could have was lost forever deep within.

I moved on, at least I thought I did. Then we reconnect and it all begins again. Only this time something is different. The feelings are much stronger now. I sometimes want to scream and cry, because I want these feelings out. But I'm not sure it really matters just how I've always felt.

I want you to hold me once again in your arms. I want you to touch me and feel everything once more. To feel you near me like I did in your bed. To make love to you in the grass under the stars once again.

To forgiving you for your stupidity, has always been easy to do. Why I do? I don’t know? I worry I’ll never get it, just like I don’t think you realize how my heartaches so much more. Right now I’m lost. Right now I’m scared. Right now I don’t think I can be forgiven for all my thoughtful sins.

My heart skipped a beat today, when I thought of you. I smiled. I cried. Then I smiled one more time knowing I'd always have my thoughts of you deep within.